WARNING: You’ll have to have suffered by means of the 1979 “Star Trek: The Movement Image,” the worst Star Trek film ever made, to make sense of what follows…
Kirk: “Captain’s log, star date 2. There’s a extremely massive factor on the market headed for earth, and it’s inflicting Interstellar Web communications issues. I’ve been requested to give up my standing as Admiral to captain the Enterprise, changing Captain Decker, who shall be appearing Commander. I’ve organized for Dr. McCoy to affix us, in addition to the Deltan lady Ilea.”
[Kirk enters the bridge]
Crew: “Admiral Kirk!”
Kirk: “It’s good to see you all. I see no one however me has been promoted.”
Dr. McCoy (a.okay.a. Bones): “Permission to come back aboard?”
Kirk: “Granted. I’m glad we have been capable of override your part 8 discharge.”
Bones: “I used to be drafted.”
Kirk: “We’d like you, Bones. There’s a factor on the market headed for earth.”
[long pause]
Kirk: “Aren’t you going to argue about my use of the phrase ‘factor’?”
Bones: “I’m a physician, not an etymologist.”
[The Deltan woman with a shaved head, Ilia, beams aboard]
Crew: “Welcome aboard, Ilia.”
Ilia: “Thanks. Arms off, Kirk. My oath of being single however not able to mingle is on document.”
Kirk to Crew: “Oookay. Anyway, we’ve been notified of a Klingon house station in bother.”
[Crew assembles in large conference room to watch the video. On screen are two Klingons panicking]
Klingon 1: “Grishoch. Ha, hananna ha.”
Klingon 2: “Nanoo nanoo.”
Purple Shirt 1: “What are they saying?”
Purple Shirt 2: “Shhh… simply learn the subtitles.”
Uhura: “Captain, the communications from that station have stopped.”
Kirk: “Sulu, hearth up ThousandEyes to search out the situation of the communications bottleneck.”
Sulu: “It seems that the block is between Romulus and Remus.”
Kirk: “Sulu, set course for Romulus, Warp 10.”
Sulu: “Aye, sir.”
[Enterprise arrives near the “thing”]
[Crew gasps in awe]
Uhura: “It’s huge.”
Chekov: “We’ve by no means encountered something like this earlier than.”
[Crew continues to gasp]
Kirk: “Put it on visible, Chekov.”
[Crew gasps louder]
Kirk: “Spock, evaluation?”
Spock: “Sugar, dextrose, gum base…”
Scotty: “What are these large indentations on the aspect?”
Uhura: “They appear like enamel marks… Captain, now I’m getting a Federation message that each one the wads of chewing gum below college desks and theater seats have disappeared.”
Kirk: “Spock?”
Spock: “What seems to be a cloud is definitely an unlimited wad of ABC gum headed for earth.”
Kirk: “May this be associated to the lacking gum wads?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Kirk: “How might gum intrude with communications?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Kirk: “Is it Thursday, Mr. Spock?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Kirk: “What good are you, anyway?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Ilia: “Field workplace attraction.”
Spock: “Zip it, baldy.”
[Suddenly lightning strikes Ilia. She disappears. When she reappears, she’s been turned into a robot with perfectly logical skimpy clothes and stiletto heels]
Ilia: “I’m talking for Rout-Er, despatched to speak with carbon models. I’m in search of Creator Cisco.”
Spock: “It seems that an historic spacecraft has mysteriously advanced right into a Cisco router, and it’s protected by an enormous wad of already been chewed gum.”
Kirk: “We will’t get on the router with all of the gum in the best way.”
Spock: “I recommend connecting the Enterprise exhaust pipes to the bubblegum. We will blow an enormous bubble till it pops.”
Kirk: “Decker, I would like you and Ilea to attach the pipes.”
Decker, Ilea: “Why us?”
Kirk: “It’s harmful and also you aren’t regulars from the TV sequence.”
[Decker and Ilea enter a shuttle craft]
Scotty: [panicking] “Captain, she canna take it rather more. One other 15 seconds and the warp drives will soften down for positive!”
Kirk: “Scotty, we haven’t began but.”
Scotty: “Sorry, I simply haven’t had a line for therefore lengthy…”
Kirk: “Wonderful, Mr. Scott, it’s time to use energy now.”
[sound of engines roaring]
Scotty: “Captain, she canna take…”
Kirk: [interrupts] “Extra energy, Mr. Scott.”
Spock: “It’s the final word bubble.”
[sound of explosion]
Kirk: “Spock, now that we have now clear entry, use Meraki and Python to connect with Rout-Er and reprogram it to work correctly.”
Spock: “Finished. Now we have saved the Interstellar Web.”
[later, crew is calm on the bridge with Kirk in the captain’s chair, determined not to return to star dock yet]
Sulu: “Course, sir?”
Kirk: [emotional and nostalgic] “Out… there…”
Sulu: “The place, sir?”
Kirk: “That-a-way.”
Sulu: “The place, sir?”
Kirk: “Over yonder.”
Sulu: “The place, sir?”
Kirk: “Oh, simply grasp a left.”
[Music swells and credits roll]
Solid
Kirk: Slim Shady
Mr. Spock: Elrond
Commander Decker: Troy Donahue
Ilea: Telly Savalas
Dr. McCoy/Bones: Rod Steiger
Scotty: Alan Younger
Sulu: Mr. Miyagi
Chekov: Vladimir Putin
Uhura: Whitney Houston
Klingon #1: John Fetterman
Klingon #2: Mitch McConnell
Purple Shirt #1: Andrew Lopatin
Purple Shirt #2: DeLynn Kelly
Writers: [names withheld to protect the guilty]
Producer: Vlad the Impaler
Particular Results: Crayola
Music: Carried out by Tinky the Texas Cockatiel
# # #
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